I don’t think anyone reads this anymore, and I can’t blame them. It may seem like I’m whining and rambling, but I cannot think of what else I should or could even do. I don’t really feel like writing, but I have to get this out of me and my hands won’t stop shaking. Tonight is a night where I’m terrified, dejected, upset, and deflated all at once. I am so utterly powerless. Admitting to any of this means owning up to very unattractive emotions…but none of that matters anymore. It’s pointless.
I want so much to drink myself into oblivion, but I have too much self control for that. I’m not bragging. Self control is annoying.
Several bad things collided at once this afternoon to the point where when I left to go home, I turned off the radio and started sobbing and praying out loud as I drove. It wasn’t depression—I could name every reason why my heart was screaming. But that didn’t help me at all.
That I didn’t crash my car surprises me.
I got very, very honest with God: “I don’t know why this year has been the hell that it’s been, why people I love dearly keep getting sick and dying, why I’m still stuck, why I pray so hard about my life, ask for direction, get direction and follow it, and then watch it all fall apart. I don’t know why my prayers go nowhere. I don’t know why things just keep getting worse.”
"I don’t know what I did or where I went wrong. I made every right decision along the way…every single one. I’ve been fighting the feeling that I did something wrong or that I deserve this (that’s past abuse whispering in my ear.) I have been trying SO hard to hope anyway, to have faith anyway, and nothing has changed. I don’t know why I am trapped in this, no matter what I do. Why does this keep following me? What am I supposed to do???"
I kept praying: “Me praying all these prayers and nothing changing at all makes me feel so stupid and so crazy. I don’t know if You’re listening at all to me, because it sure doesn’t appear that You are. I don’t understand why nothing actually changes. I can’t see any of the ways You’re working; I don’t even know if You’re working in my life anymore. I have nothing left…nothing. I don’t even know what to say anymore.”
Recently I prayed very specifically for a nudge, for a sign, that I shouldn’t give up believing in something. And I got one. But getting that sign and having nothing about it change at all simply makes me feel bat-shit insane, like my prayers are just the garbled ravings of a mad woman. Faith is so excruciating when you have to constantly double-check that you’re not believing the lies of your own mind. I can’t count the times I’ve prayed, “Lord please don’t let me believe things that aren’t real.” I fear that prayer falls on deaf ears, and I’m doomed to be crazy and alone no matter what I do.
I’ve long since exceeded my ability to handle any of these problems, much less all of them together.
I’ve felt for a long time that the reason I’m still alive isn’t for my benefit. If I’m being honest, all I truly want to do is go to sleep and not wake up. But I know me hurting myself would devastate my parents, and I don’t want that. I just can’t help feeling they would be better off without me, the daughter who cannot get her life together, and don’t know it yet. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m perpetually in the way and am just a waste of space.